there she goes…

When you’ve been sick for so long that your wifi automatically connects to every hospital and doctor’s office you visit it’s hard to imagine what life would be like if you felt better.

Chronic illness is just that, chronic. And not in the imma rapper & chronic is awesome way. Every second of every day it’s there; some moments are worse than others while some are bearable. Regardless of how I’m feeling there is an internal war that’s going on and it’s taking all my energy to fight it- but that’s really the only option.

When I first got sick normal still felt like a possibility. In my dreams my body was young and healthy; but those days have passed. Being a prisoner in your body is hell, it’s living a nightmare. My days are filled with things no normal twenty-something should have to deal with; but it’s my life. It’s something I’ve become used to. I’ve accepted that “healthy” and “normal” are now just two foreign concepts.

I’m starting treatment in two days. A new treatment, something I’ve never tried before…and well, short of physically trying to remove the spirochetes and anaerobic cells in my body myself I’ve tried it all. (see also: IV antibiotics to alkaline waters to healing crystals)

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Ignore the puffy face. Sleep and I have had a rough breakup.

I don’t have the expectation that I’m going to walk away in a week, a month, or even a year and be “healed”; after all it’s taken over 15 years to get here. I’ve deteriorated over time, both slowly and quickly. I don’t have a preconceived notion that this treatment is going to give my life back to me. I do, however, believe my life is about to change. Normal and healthy are going to start to feel like a possibility again. My life will never be the same. I will never be the same. These illnesses have consumed every fiber of my being for as long as I can remember, they are deep rooted and engrained within, not only my body, but my mind too. I like the healthier version of myself. You see for the past 15 years I’ve spent a lot of time alone, and with people who are obligated to love and tolerate me, and I know I’m actually pretty awesome. I mean, if I can accomplish everything I’ve done while chronically ill I’m pretty sure I’d be unstoppable healthy. Theory: It’s only fair to everyone else that I’m sick so they can keep up? Must be it.  Really though, I’m ready to see what healthier feels like.

We drove from the heart of Paradise Valley, MT to Draper, UT today. It was a long drive full of music my parents used to listen to on our drives from CA to MT when we were kids. There’s something about the music being so mellow that causes my brain to go into overdrive. I just kept thinking about all the things I want to do; all the things I’m going to do…healthy or not. At twenty-seven (almost eight, ah!) my goal shouldn’t be make it to thirty. I joked at sixteen that I was having a mid-life crisis. I pray this treatment gives me the opportunity to allow for a much better midlife crisis in a few years from now.

I am ready for life to be less complicated and to have less “real problems”. I want the worst part of my day to be Starbucks not having coconut milk or not being able to watch “Bachelors in Paradise” because I can’t get the TV remote to work. A girl can dream.

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